Thank Goodness It's Time for a New Year!!!

It's time to say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011 and I couldn't be happier!!! This past year has been the worst year of my life and I'm ready to have a fresh start and completely turn my life around. Of course there's the resolution to work out more and eat right just like everyone else says, but I'm most ready for 2011 because I've realized that my life can't possibly be any worse than it was this past year. So, it's all up hill from here, and I've never been more ready for my life to change!

One of the many pictures Josh took of himself on my phone

Also with this new year comes lots of change that I don't know if I'm ready for. This past year is the last year that Josh and I lived in the same year. There are a lot of goodbyes associated with him that I haven't prepared myself for. For Christmas, I finally got a new phone, but that also was a change I didn't expect to hurt as much as it did. Everytime Josh picked up my phone, he took a picture of himself and set it as my background. He even had his own portfolio on my phone. Thankfully I got all of those uploaded to my computer, but there are still a few videos on my old phone that I haven't gotten off yet. And he left me a voicemail about 1 day before he finally arrived in Afghanistan and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that either. I just want to have that so that I will never forget his voice. That is one thing that I am so afraid of. Also, all of the text messages that we shared before he left are on there, including the last conversation we had. I just can't say goodbye to those yet. The whole phone thing has been way harder than I even thought and showed me how much I am leaving behind that I just don't want to. It's all little silly stuff, but that silly stuff means so much to me.

The December 27th issue of People magazine contained a tribute to the 547 men and women that had been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan this year (well, up until the article was printed anyway). Josh's name is among those 547 people. It made me so happy to know that people all over the country can read his name and just for a split second know who he was and thank him. That is one thing I hope to accomplish, is to tell the world just how awesome Josh was.

547 husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, nieces, nephew, sisters, brothers, and the list continues. 547+ families this year have had to go through the pain that I have. It is just unbelievable to me. One of my resolutions this year is to send sympathy cards to all the Marine families that lose loved ones this coming year. I know how much the cards helped me, and I just hope to help other deal with this pain. I honestly believe that seeing the support of people all across the nation and the tremendous amount of hometown support is helping me deal with this. Just knowing how many people that didn't even know Josh, but were so grateful for what he did gives me chills. It just feels great to know that so many people out there care. So thank you everyone for what you have done these past couple of months, and I hope that you continue to show your support for our troops on into the years ahead. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

busy, busy, busy

Oh. My. Goodness.

Ever since I have gotten home from school I have been outrageously busy and haven't had much time to write in my blog. I apologize. I don't really mind being that busy, it's just I forget what I'm supposed to do and plan things at the same time. I'm really bad at that. I need to write everything down in my planner asap! Since I've been back so much has happened! My brother, Mason, got the flu so I've been avoiding him and disinfecting the house. The doctor even gave my sister and I medicine since we didn't have the shot so that we won't get it. I greatly appreciate that because I cannot afford to be getting the flu right now! We've had many a game night and tonight we'll be doing the same thing haha :) I've also made gingerbread houses with William, gingerbread cookie party with my friends, and lots and lots of Christmas shopping. The other day I heard on the radio that it was like a week til Christmas and I didn't believe them until I looked at my calendar. My how time is flying!!! Not good because I'm not ready to go back to school yet. I enjoy doing fun things and relaxing!

Christmas shopping has been especially hard this year, and not just because I have no job. It seems that almost every store I go in, I see something I would buy for Josh or that he has. It's so hard because something for a split second it seems like none of this ever happened and I say to myself that that is what I'm going to get him for Christmas...then I remember and it makes my heart hurt. It makes me realize just how short his time was with us. There were so many things left that we were supposed to do and see and experience. Now, I'm going to have to do all those things without him and it's going to be way more difficult than I thought. This is the season to spend time with your family and friends and a huge part of that is missing this year. It's definitely going to be a different Christmas and holiday season, and I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. I just don't want to deal with it all. It's all so overwhelming and I think that it's like that because I never had enough time to accept it and deal with it. I took almost 2 weeks off of school and that wasn't enough time for me to even think about how to deal with everything. I've never lost someone so close to me before so I have no clue how my emotions are going to be through all of this. I have my good days and my bad days, but it's going to take years for me to finish grieving and I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop. Every milestone in my life, I'm going to wish that he was there to experience it with me. Best friends are supposed to experience all the joys of life together, and ours got cut short. I know that he'll always be there and watching over me, but it's just not the same. But I know that I can be strong through it all with my friends and family by my side.

On a happier note, I got my hair cut today haha. I've been trying to grow my hair out for a while so that I could give it to Locks of Love, but I have yet to succeed. My hair gets to a certain length and then it just get too hard for me to deal with. However, this time I am going to go through with it. My boyfriend's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I thought it could not be a better time for me to donate my hair and I'm going to donate it in her name. She doesn't know yet, so Mrs. Melanie, if you're reading this...Surprise! haha By spring break my hair should be long enough, so I'm going to chop it all off! I'm pretty excited because I've been wanting to do something to help someone or volunteer for something, so this just seems right to me. Also, I'm ready for a change in my hair style because it's pretty bland! The Christmas and holiday season is about giving and sharing, so try to find something to do to help someone out. It's really not that hard and it doesn't have to be anything big either. Just a little change can make a big difference in someone's life. So, don't get caught up in all the presents and superficial-ness that some people tend to see Christmas as. Find the true meaning of Christmas. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

One Project Down, One Test to Go!!!

Today was pretty great! I finished my studio project 2 days early. Yes you heard me right...2 DAYS EARLY!!! That never happens. I promise! It took a huge weight off of my shoulders, so now all I have to worry about is my textiles test on Wednesday and then it's CHRISTMAS BREAK for Hannah!!! I am just so ready to go home that I almost have no motivation to study haha But I know that need to end the semester with a bang after all the horrible things that have brought me down these past couple months. So, tomorrow I'll hit the books hard and hopefully do fairly well on my exam. Then, it's packing and the drive home! :)

I had a great day Saturday with William. It was great to get away and just spend the day with him. It definitely helped with the homesickness! He planned a wonderful and eventful day! We went to the natural science museum for a couple hours, did some Christmas shopping, and went and saw Tangled. The museum was so interesting! We saw a two headed snake, a feeding in one of the fish tanks, and went on a wall on one of the trails. It was simply wonderful! When we were Christmas shopping, I couldn't help but buy me a little something, well a big something. I found a 500 page illustrated history of the Marine Corps for only $20. I just couldn't pass up that great deal! This book is massive, but I figure I have nothing to do all Christmas break so my goal is to read that whole thing by January. I think that is a very realistic goal, and one that Josh would be most proud of. If you go see any movie in the next few weeks you must see Tangled! It was on of the best movies I've seen in a while. The movie was fabulous. The music was fabulous. Everything about it was fabulous haha :) Then again, I do like animated Disney movies, especially princess ones!

Another great thing this weekend was that I became friends with 2 of Josh's Marine buddies on facebook! One of them asked me if I was Josh's sister. Naturally, I said yes :) And I really do see Josh as my big brother. He taught me so much about life and myself. I really believe that he played a big part in making me who I am today. He also didn't really judge me for the things I did and I didn't judge him. We just knew each other so well that there was no explaining ourselves. I do the things I do because I'm me, and Josh knew that. He might've laughed at me for doing something, but he never really questioned it. It takes a really strong bond to have a friendship that close, and I thank our parents for that. They were friends before we were, so their friendship brought us together. I honestly don't know who I would be had our parents not met. It's funny how things like that work, how God brings certain people together for a reason. There are some things that God does that you just don't pick up on until years later. It really shows me that He indeed does have a plan for me and that everything He does in my life has a purpose to it. That holds a little reassurance through all of this. Maybe years later, I'll finally realize why something so awful had to happen to such good people. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

I Never Have Been Good at Making Up Titles

Yesterday was the last day of class!!!! I couldn't have been happier haha So after class I took the rest of the day off because I thought I deserved it. And, I wasn't feeling too well and was pretty homesick yesterday. I'm not for sure why but I think it was because I was done with school but couldn't go home because I still have a project and an exam. If I went home I know I wouldn't get any studying done! I slept away most of the day hoping to feel better, but whenever I was awake I was really missing home and Josh. It has been a while since I've had a day like that. I guess I was overdue, but I really prefer not to be sad all the time. I constantly try to remember the good times like everyone keeps telling me, but sometimes that just doesn't help. The good times will never bring him back. The good times will never happen again. And the good times don't always make me feel better. Sometimes they make me even sadder, like yesterday. So, I just stopped thinking about the good times and had a little cry. It wasn't enough I don't think, but I never have been one to cry too much so I kind of stopped when I thought it was enough. But I've learned that when something like this happens tears just aren't enough. Yes, they help for a short time, but then what? Are you supposed to cry some more to feel better? I guess crying helps to get the feelings out in that moment, but those feelings always come back. They will never go away. You can hide them, but then when you least expect it, they rise to the surface and you just want to cry again. I have to admit that I have gotten better about crying when I start to get tears in my eyes instead of just shaking them off, because putting those feelings away can't be healthy. One of the big reasons that I try to push my feelings away is because they always cause me to ask questions that I know will never be answered. Like why him? I think why is the biggest question that I seem to ask myself. And I know that that question will never be answered so I try not to let it eat at me, but I can't help but ask it. I think that anyone who experiences a sudden loss so close to them will always ask this question. I just hope that anyone reading this that has been through something similar to this will know that they are not alone in thinking that. They are not alone at all. So many people are affected by something like this, so I find comfort in being surrounded by those that are grieving over this too. It's not like we just sit around and cry together to feel better. I would hate that! Just being together going to a movie, playing a game, or just hanging out makes me feel better. And I always know that if I want to talk, they understand and are probably thinking and feeling the way that I am.

Today was a better day. It started off being kinda sad, but I was determined to have a good day and it was. It was pretty laid back, just lounging and doing homework. Hopefully the rest of my study days won't be super boring. But Saturday I get to see Will and I am so excited! Maybe that will stop my homesickness and hold it off until I get to go home on Thursday. But I am determined to have a better mindset and not get so homesick again. I just saw my family last weekend for almost a week, so I just don't understand it! I never get homesick! haha But Saturday should be very fun! We're going Christmas shopping and going to see Tangled. I am stoked! It'll definitely take my mind off of home and studying!I am so thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend! He knows just what to do to lift my spirits! I've always been a sucker for Disney princesses and he knows that. First, Disney Princess on Ice and now Tangled! Not to mention the blanket and shirt he made me. Oh and the cup and bowl set. I am so blessed to have him in my life! Actually, I am so thankful to have everyone in my life! They have been so helpful and supportive through it all. Always make sure you have a strong support system in your life because you never know when you will need them the most! Peace. Love. Semper Fi. 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10