A Long Time Coming

So once again I am horrible at keeping up with this little blog but at least I'm updating it now. Right? Anyways so much has happened in my life since my last entry I just don't know where to start! I guess I can start by saying that I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I can be happy and so grateful for what I have been blessed with. During the last couple of months I have made a lot of changes in my life and I couldn't be happier. I hope this happiness lasts for quite some time because I honestly forgot how it felt to be happy and I am loving every minute of it. Looking back to a couple of months ago I can see just how amazing God has been working in my life. I asked for guidance, for happiness, for changes in my life, and that is exactly what He gave me. Some of the choices may have been hard but I know and trust that His plan is greater than what I planned for myself. By putting everything in God's hands I am now at this amazing place in my life. I hate to say it but I have found that since I have been given this happiness I find myself praying less and less. I kills me knowing how selfish and caught up in my own life I can get. Once I got what I wanted I went about my merry way enjoying my life. My goal for this week has been to be less selfish and caught up in worldly things and focus more on my relationship with God and helping it grow even more than it has the past couple of months. I don't want to be that selfish person that I have found myself to be. Another part of me is scared that all this happiness will soon lead to some sadness. It just seems wrong for me to be this happy. Of course I have my days where I want to do nothing but cry but I don't want get caught up in my sadness. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I should rejoice over how far I have come. If God throws something else my way, I know I will be able to handle it because after these past months I have become so strong. I may not be able to immediately handle it, but I'll be able to put up a darn good fight. No one lives a perfect life and yes I know that there is sadness ahead in my life, but I'm just scared. And who wouldn't be? No one likes to be upset. No one likes to be in pain. And for sure no one wants to have to say good bye to their best friend forever. But that's just it. It is not forever. I know that one day I will see Josh again and until that day his memory will always be with me and I have the best guardian angel anyone could ask for. God has helped me thus far and I know He will continue to walk beside me on this journey because He is the only one that knows the way. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Welcome Home!

My sister and LCpl Lehman

So, I know it has been awhile but I've been trying to find something good for my next post and when I do have something I am not near my computer. Then, later when I am using my computer I am not inspired enough to sit down and do it. However, I think this past week deserves to be documented and told to the world. Let's start with Sunday, March 20...

1/8 Weapons Homecoming

Does this date look familiar? Yes, folks, it is once again the 20th. Although, this month happens to be more significant. This past Sunday was 6 months since Josh has been gone. I honestly cannot believe that it has been that long. It seriously feels like yesterday he was home, hanging out with the crew, being his goofy self. 6 months. That is half of a year. If time is going by this fast, the 1 year mark is right around the corner and I will admit that I am not ready to face that yet, at all! Not a single day goes by that he is not on my mind, but on the 20th of every month is when it affects me more physically. I don't want to get up and do anything. I wouldn't say that I am wallowing or trying to make people feel sorry for me. On those days, I typically look at all my pictures of us, watch youtube videos and news footage from that week, and read articles about him. I don't know exactly why I do all of this, but I like remembering the good times. Yes, it makes me sad when I start to think that we will never have times like that again, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I was SO lucky to have a friend like him and have the memories that I have. Some people didn't know Josh, and it breaks my heart that they didn't. He was the one person that could make my day better. He could read me better than anyone. When I was upset, he could immediately tell so there was no point in trying to tell him otherwise. And I miss that. A lot. He was almost always the first person I would tell things to. Now that some good things are finally starting to happen to me, I don't know who to tell. I don't have him to call and talk to about it. I know this might sound a little strange, but sometimes I just talk to him like he is here. I like to think that he is constantly watching over me and still by my side. Of course I don't do this when others are around so that I don't look like a lunatic and it is only like a sentence or two but it makes me feel like he is still here.

SSgt Yeaton, his wife Rebekah, and kids Nate & Michael

Game Night at the hotel with LCpl Thoele, his mother Beth, and the rest of the gang

Alrightie...on to Wednesday-today. Wednesday we left for Camp Lejeune because Josh's company was finally coming home! I was pretty excited because I had never been there before, and I wanted to know more about Josh's life in the Marines. Of course he called me and told me stories, but being there and seeing it all and meeting everyone helped to fill in the blanks on some things. However, I was still pretty nervous. Josh wasn't stepping off of that bus. Everyone else there was waiting for a loved one, but we were leaving empty handed. I have to admit, after the guys got off the bus, said hi to us, and found their families, I really began to hurt. I was just standing there surrounded by families hugging and kissing their sons. It made things real all over again, but I am glad that I was there. I am glad that I got to meet his friends and see where he lived. And all the love and support everyone showed us was astounding! I am so thankful to be a part of the Marine Corps family because everyone is so loving and supportive. It warms my heart and helps to ease the pain. When we were leaving this morning, I really didn't want to go. I wanted to stay and spend more time with the guys and hear more stories about Josh. One of these days I am going to start writing all these stories down and make it into a book because they would amuse the majority of the population. Anyway, I am so glad that we are going back in a few weeks because it will give all of us a chance to spend time with his friends and help them deal with this. They have been fighting a war for 7 months and trying to deal with this. That takes a very strong person to do that because I am having enough trouble as it is and I'm definitely not in Afghanistan fighting. I hope that by being with them we can help them in some way. They have done so much for us and were great friends to Josh, so it is the least we could do. Hopefully these next few weeks will fly by and I'll find myself on my way back. Although, halfway through that 12 or 13 hour car ride I will probably want to retract that statement. But at the moment I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. So, WELCOME HOME 1/8 WEAPONS CO!!! :) Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Well It's About Time...

It has been over a month since my last post and I have no excuse other than I've been lazy. I've been so wrapped up in my schoolwork that when I finally have some down time I just want to lay in bed, watch tv, and relax. Well, that's all about to change because I gave up tv for Lent. It hasn't been too bad yet, but it hasn't even been 24 hours so well see how I feel a week from now! Also, I am adding something to my life for Lent. I have made a promise to write either in my journal or my blog everyday. So, hopefully you'll be getting more posts from me more often! I know you're just so excited! Ha.

Let's see...This past month a lot has been going on in my grieving process. I started to notice that I was consuming myself in my schoolwork again, and not facing reality, not facing what I need to deal with. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Josh, but some days I just don't want to believe it. I try so hard to tell myself that he is still in Afghanistan and when we go to North Carolina he is going to walk right back into my life. If only it was that easy. I wouldn't say that I haven't accepted the fact that he is gone. I would say that some days I can't believe it because he is the last person I would expect to leave me. We've been friends for so long, and I never thought about him leaving and never coming back. So, I think it is safe to say that it is still sinking in because I have had to completely learn how to live again. My life is so different now, and most of the time I find myself asking "Who am I?" I honestly don't know the full answer to that question. I do know that I am not the same Hannah that I used to be. Things that were important to me then are the least of my worries. I used to be so consumed with getting A's on everything, putting everything I have in my schoolwork so that I make my parents proud. Now, I could care less if I get all A's, as long as I am doing my best and most importantly spending time with my parents. Being with my friends and family means more to me now than ever before. I try to make the most of my visits home and almost always find myself wishing that I had just one more day with them because you never know when you'll have to say goodbye. I don't know if I will ever completely understand who I am now, but I would really like to be able to understand it. It's so hard to put into words, but I just don't feel like myself. I think I can say that I am a better person now than I was, but sometimes I just feel like I don't belong, that I am meant for so much more than what I am doing now. Hopefully one day I will be able to understand what that purpose is. I know that God will guide me and make me into the person I am meant to be, but I guess that I am just impatient. Okay I know I'm impatient! Ha. I need to continue to put my trust in Him and pray for His guidance through this long journey that He has put me on. Sometimes I just wish that everything would be crystal clear, but we all know that that is never the case.

On a different note, I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) 10K today!!!! That makes it official. I have to do it now because I refuse to be a quitter. Well as we have all seen, gas prices are on the rise, and the 10K is in Washington, D.C. Now anyone that knows the United States realizes that Mississippi and D.C. are not close at all! So...in order for us to be able to get there and afford a hotel and such (hey, were poor college kids remember!?!) I am selling bracelets made for Josh. If you noticed, there is now a "Donate" button on my blog. Well, if you click on that you can purchase one of the magnificent pieces of jewelry. And it can be all yours for the low price of just $5! I mean who can say no to that! It is for a good cause, you get to wear the name of an American Hero on your wrist, and you're only out $5. So, skip the drive through one day and use that money for a bracelet. Come on, you know you want to! :) Until next time...Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Memories

This past weekend I bought "A Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis and I'm telling you this book is great! I recommend this book to anyone that wants to grow in their faith, whether you are grieving or not. It definitely makes you think about different things in your life in a new way. This book is the thoughts of Lewis after his wife passed away. They are raw and from the heart. He says exactly what is on his mind and doesn't hold back one bit. I just love that! One passage that stuck out to me reads:

"...Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had thought I was remembering him well-- how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, 'Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that-- or dislike this, or knew so-and-so-- or jerked his head back that way.' I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of H.? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes-- like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night-- little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes-- ten seconds-- of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."

My biggest fear is forgetting Josh and all that he was and all those years full of memories that we shared. My memory is not the best to say the least, so I fear that over time I will have very few memories left, and that scares me more than you know. The other day my mom found a video of Josh on one of our pieces of exercise equipment. We had made a commercial for it and it was hilarious! Did I remember this occasion before my mom found the video? No. But once she told me about it, it all came back to me. That just makes me think, how many other memories like that am I missing? I forget them now, but once I am told them I can remember. However, some of those memories were just between us, so they are gone forever. So, I've decided to keep a journal of memories that I remember, and as I remember more, maybe they can spark another memory back into existence. So for now, I must rely on the memories I have and the pictures of those times.

I also fear that by combining all the memories that I will create an image of Josh that isn't what he truly was. Lewis talks about this in that excerpt as well. I remember things like the way he said my name, his crooked nose, his huge feet, his crazy driving, and the fact that he wasn't scared to question you when he thought you were wrong. All the things I remember create this image of who he was, but without remembering every little detail, that image will never be who he truly was. And like Lewis said, if he was just given ten seconds, he would remember every little detail. But once those ten seconds were up, the snow flakes would fall again and the image distorted. I talked to my counselor about this and she told me that I will always have an image of Josh, and that image will always be who he was to me. I don't have to have every detail to know that he was my best friend or to know how strong our relationship was. I will have a new image of him now, one that will mean more to me than all those little details. Of course I would do anything to have those ten seconds, but then what? Go through this whole thing again and beg for ten more seconds? As time goes on, instead of losing memories, I will gain memories by hearing stories from other people, finding more lost tapes, and just seeing something that makes that little spark. I have to accept that I will never have every memory back, but the ones I do have I remembered for a reason, just like there is a reason my mom found that tape. Josh will always be Josh to me. Just because I don't have him here with me or every little moment we shared doesn't mean that he is any less important to me or that I will think about him any less. I have to be happy with the memories I have, and realize that I will have this new image made up of old memories. It's still the same Josh, just minus a few things. That's is definitely something that is VERY hard to accept, but I'm working on it, slowly but surely. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Turning Things Around

In the past week I have learned so much about myself and how this journey is starting to hint at happiness. I have had 2 appointments with a counselor and I couldn't have made a better decision to go. My life is full of uncertainty right now and just having someone that I can talk to about everything and them giving feedback and helping me sort through my thoughts is great! It's like a sigh of relief not having to hold everything in anymore. I have learned that it's okay to cry. I shouldn't feel like I have to be tough and just hold it all in. Letting all those emotions out is the only way I can sort through them and learn to handle them. It's okay to cry because sometimes that's the only thing that can help at the moment. I've also started a journal for my deepest thoughts, another way to get the emotions out. This blog has helped but sometimes there are just some things that I want to keep private, and the journal's for that. I'm telling you it feels great to not hold everything in. I still may not talk to people about what's on my mind, but putting it down on paper, just getting it out of my head, helps so much.

I've also started training for a 10K, The Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) 10K to be exact. It's in Washington, DC and I could not be more excited! Accomplishing this would be something that I've only dreamed of. I have never been a good runner. My lungs kinda hate me and cause me to struggle a lot, but I've found a plan that eases you into it, so I know I can do this! I'm just going to have to start saving now to be able to get there! Here's a link to see the course:
http://www.marinemarathon.com/Assets/Maps/10K+Course+Map.pdf
It looks so fun and I can't wait to participate!

See, I told yall that I would have a happy post soon. I'm still going to have my bad days, but I know I'll always have my friends and family there to help me through. I love you all! Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Stuck.

Today I kind of made some sort of progress in my grieving. I finally made the call to speak with a counselor. Although they said they'd call me back and never did, I still mustered up the courage to make the call. I will call again tomorrow and try to set up an appointment. When this first happened, I told myself that I'd start counseling so that I would never get to the point I am now. But my stubborn self thought I could handle it on my own and gave up the idea, telling myself I was too busy and couldn't find the time. That was one of the stupidest things I could have done. I thought I could handle this on my own, but man was I wrong! For the past few months, I have just felt stuck. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. I am living my life day to day, but it's like I don't know where to go from here. I pray every night for God to help me through this and tell me what I should do next. It wasn't until today that I realized He had been giving me the answer all along and I was just too stubborn and blind to see it. Today I was on Facebook and one of my friend's statuses was, "Let Him have all your worries and cares for He is always thinking about and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7" When I read that I realized that all along He had been telling me what I need to do. These past couple of days counseling has been more on my mind as a solution to my feeling "stuck." God has been telling me all along that that will help me feel alive again. And I am so ready to find some sort of normalcy, whatever that means.

This past week has really opened my eyes to how everything is changing me and affecting the people around me. I've become more moody and the littlest things can set me off. Honestly, I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. I've realized that I've pushed people away and hurt some of the friendships I have. I am determined to fix things, but I'm just really impatient so it's going to be quite difficult for me to be patient and know that things can change. I'm going to want them to happen immediately and it's going to take a lot of time to find my "normalcy."

I apologize that this little blog is primarily sad, but hopefully in the weeks ahead I will start to see more happiness in my life and I will be glad to share it with you all. I know I will, and when I do I will have learned so much about myself and how much strength I really have inside of me. It's just the getting there part that going to take time, time that I wish would hurry up. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.