STRESS!!!

I am so so so sorry it has been so long since I posted! I have been consumed by schoolwork and just can't seem to get a break! Ugh! But...tomorrow is the last day of class!!!! I couldn't be happier! I still will have a project to do and a test to study for but that is nothing compared to these last few days. So...now that I was finally able to find some down time, I'll catch back up to today.

Saturday, I went and visited my Granddaddy in New Albany and am so thankful that I got to! I am so blessed to have him so close by because he is an amazing person. He is a wonderful Christian man and I only hope that when I am his age I can have as much faith as him. It is truly awesome! We're trying to get him to come live at Wesley Meadows so that he can be closer to us, but it is going to take more convincing than I thought. My grandmother, Nellie Ruth as we called her, passed away only 6 days before Josh. I thought it was hard dealing with the death of my first grandparent, but I didn't even know what was coming next. Anyways, after she passed we decided it would be best for him to live close to us so that he could be surrounded by people that love him and are grieving with him. At this point, I think he just wants to stay there because he is holding on the last place him and Nellie Ruth got to be together. Maybe he thinks that by leaving the area that they have lived in for years, would maybe somehow make him forget about her and I can totally relate to that. I always thought that I would move away from Hernando and venture out to a bigger city, not a huge city, but something with more excitement than Hernando. With Josh gone, I don't know how far away I will be able to go. Two and a half hours is already hard enough for me. I know it will get better with time, but this is something that will always be in the back of my mind.

Sunday morning was wonderful. It was the first Sunday in the season of Advent, so my church had a potluck breakfast, and it was delicious! (Especially the stuff Katie made!) We had an awesome "Hanging of the Greens" service. Christmas time at church is always my favorite time of year! I especially like our service that is only readings and music. The music is always wonderful and it'll give you chills! After church it was nothing but homework for like 3 hours and then I got ready to go to the A Day to Remember concert at the New Daisy. That is where my night started to take a turn for the worst! The music was awesome, but the crowd was insane!!! I have more bruises from that show than any other I have been to, and I don't bruise easily! One chick was crowd surfing and she was dropped right on me and I fell to the ground and I seriously thought I was going to be trampled. It was so scary! Then, you would think that girl learned her lesson about not crowd surfing, but she was dumb and decided to do it again! This time she fell again and her shoe ripped my nose ring out! That didn't hurt as much as her shoe hitting my nose. It felt like it broke and was bleeding so I touched it, and that's when I noticed my nose ring was gone and was bleeding. So needless to say, I no longer have a nose ring and may not be able to attend another show at the New Daisy unless it is much much chiller!!! The band A Day to Remember always reminds me of Josh because the first year that I went to Warped Tour, I bought one of their shirts that has wolves and zombies on it. Josh absolutely loved it and wore it for like 2 days straight before I even got a chance to wear it. Everytime I wear that shirt I think of him.

Josh and I on Christmas Day 2008

With all of the stress from school right now, I have definitely noticed that all the feeling of losing Josh are starting to resurface. I tried to push them aside so that I could just focus on getting done with this semester because after all the class that I missed I was close to having to drop out for the semester. I told myself that I could never do that, and I knew that was the last thing he would want me to do. So, I have been working my butt off this whole semester to catch up and keep my grades up. I felt like school was a good distraction from everything, but with these emotions resurfacing, I noticed that I never should have hidden them in the first place. I am really bad about that. I don't really like to deal with things, so I set them aside and hope that they will go away on their own, but they never do. I also think that now that it is getting closer to Christmas and the holiday season, I have realized just how different and difficult it's going to be. I knew he wasn't going to be here even if he was still in Afghanistan, but at least I could send him packages and actually give him a Christmas present. I'm never going to get to do that again. I'm never going to get to spend the holidays with him again, and it is going to be extremely difficult. I just hope that the memories that we shared will help me through all of this rather than make me sadder. We've done Christmas festivities together for as long as I can remember, so things will definitely not be the same this year, but I just trust that the Lord will help me through all of this. I will never know why He would want someone to feel this much pain, but I trust in Him and know that everything He does is what is meant to be. I know that He will make me a stronger person to get through this, I just wish that it would take a few months rather than a few years. He would not give me something or put me through something that I couldn't handle. So, with his guidance, I will survive! Anyone can get through anything with the help of Jesus. Just remember that. He is the one person that will always be there for you, even when you feel like you are alone. That is just something that I think is truly amazing! Even when we sin and do wrong, He does not leave our side or turn against us. Jesus is our one true friend. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

I Heart Disney Princesses!!!

I had a fairly nice Thanksgiving yesterday spending time with my family and friends. It was definitely different this year not having Josh there with us. For the past like 4 years we have had a joint Thanksgiving with the Oses. We have our Thanksgiving meal, enjoy the company of others, and play games; the usually Thanksgiving festivities. This year it just felt like something was missing, and we all know what that something was. I know that had he not died, he would still have been in Afghanistan and not been with us, but we still could have sent him some food and a card game or something so that he would have a Thanksgiving much like at home. I was fine for much of the day until that night when Casey and I went to go see a movie. We're pretty sure that we went with Josh last year to see a movie on Thanksgiving so we decided to start a new tradition and went again this year. I guess that made me realize that things I used to do with Josh, I'm going to either have to stop doing or find someone else to do them with. It is going to be hard to do at first because there were just some things that I only did with Josh. I always popped his back for him, and honestly I don't know if I could ever do that for someone else. And I know that sounds strange, but it's just the small things that remind me of him that hurt the most. Going to the movies just won't be the same either because the night before he left we went to a movie, The Expendables. Honestly, it'll probably take me a while before I can watch that movie again. I know that he would want me to keep living my life and doing that same things that I've always done, and I probably will eventually. It's just going to take time, and I want time to hurry up so things can go back to normal, but at the same time I feel like as time goes by I might forget him.

But on a much, much happier note today was absolutely wonderful! My amazing boyfriend, William, took me to see Disney Princess on Ice. It was awesome and that was one of the best days that I've had in a long time. I have to say that it was a little weird because I was one of the oldest ones there without a child, but I didn't care; it was so worth it! Probably the best surprise I have ever gotten. My boyfriend and his family have been so amazing and supportive through all of this. His mother came and picked us up from Starkville the day that everything happened and I cannot repay her enough for that! His entire family is just a blessing to have in my life and I am so grateful beyond words for their support.

I am not sure if today will ever be topped because it was absolutely wonderful! I loved seeing Jasmine (she's my favorite)! Well I am swamped with homework and have been avoiding it enough today, so I guess it is time for me to wind down my day and do a little studying. Happy Thanksgiving all! Have fun decorating for Christmas!!! :) Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

Phase 10

Today has been pretty great because for the first time in like forever I didn't have to do anything. I slept in late and just sat around and watched Lifetime movies all day. It was awesome. After lounging around for about 5 hours I decided to be somewhat productive since I have TONS of homework to do over the break. I did a little homework, but soon decided that was enough of that haha I can be so lazy sometimes and I love it :)

Casey and Josh playing Sudoku

Later tonight my wonderful sister, mother, and I are going to Mrs. Sissy's (Josh's mom) house to play Phase 10 and I absolutely cannot wait! The other night we stayed up until 1:30 in the morning finishing up that game. Whenever we have game night over there we always have a blast. I specifically remember one Christmas Josh got a board game called Blokus from his grandparents. I am pretty sure that his grandparents sent it to him because they thought he would hate it, but ironically he and we loved playing it. That'll show them to try and send lame gifts again! haha For about a good 4 months we played that game almost every weekend. We would stay up so late and be so delirious we just wouldn't know what we were doing. I'm sure you all have had this experience before. You just stay up so late that you randomly start giggling at the dumbest things. Well, this happened quite frequently, especially because Josh didn't like to hold in his farts and thought it was funny to see us choking on the deadly fumes. He would just laugh and do his funny little giggle and then that would make all of us start laughing. I have to say that game night will never be quite that funny again, but we still have so much fun even with him gone. I am so ready to kick some butt at Phase 10 tonight!

So earlier while I was lounging around, I started to think about how mature I feel. I am still a teenager, yet I feel so much older. I feel like after Josh's death I had to grow up fast and deal with everything. I had to stay strong for my family and friends. I guess part of it is that anyone my age and even younger shouldn't have to lose their best friend. You never really think about something like that happening when you are little. You see most people dying at an old age after having a wonderfully long life. Josh didn't get the opportunity to live that long life, but I know that he lived his life wonderfully. He took every day he was given to live his life the way he wanted. He didn't care what other people thought about what he did; he did it because he wanted to and nothing was going to stop him. I admired that most about him, because I have come to realize that I don't cherish every day like I should. There are so many days, like today, that I haven't accomplished anything with my life. In a sense I am wasting those precious days that God has given me. From this day forward I have decided to try to make a difference every day of my life because I don't know how much life I have left to live. Of course this is easier said than done. Maybe with this new feeling of maturity, I can better accomplish this. And I hope that all of you try to do the same thing because it only takes one person to make a difference and start the chain reaction. Josh made a huge difference for so many people, for the whole nation. So, let him be the start of the chain and let's all make the world a better place. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

CHEESECAKE :)

Today I finally got to come home for Thanksgiving break! Yay! :) I love this time of year and just getting to spend time with friends and family and just enjoy each others company. Oh yeah and the food's pretty fantastic! After a short class this morning, I packed up and headed home to my family. When I arrived, my sister Casey and I went to our friend Lauren's house to bake chocolate chip cheesecake! Yumm :) Baking at Lauren's house reminds me of two Fourth of Julys ago when we made a super awesome patriotic cake with Josh. Josh didn't really help; he mostly just watched and licked the beaters. I took a picture of him doing this. It's pretty hilarious because he had no idea I took it until it was too late. But he was mostly there for moral support because that cake took us almost 8 hours but I have to say it was FABULOUS! There are plenty of good memories in that kitchen after 8 hours of being with those two. That summer was the summer that the three of us became the closest. We were practically inseparable. We would bake and go to the movies and such, but it was the little things we did that meant the most. We would just ride around or go to Walmart and walk around (one of Josh's favorite activities lol), but everytime we were together we had fun! I remember one time in particular we were talking about how Lauren and I have been asked if we were sisters before; and if Josh and I were twins does that make us siblings, or possibly triplets? It was the most random conversation ever, but that's just how we were. Nothing we did was too ordinary, and I wouldn't trade any of those memories for anything. Without Josh, the Three Muskateers will never be the same.

On a lighter note, tonight should be fun. We're having a little get together at my friend Kaile's house. It'll be so nice to get to see all my friends again since the last time we were all together was probably over the summer. It just sucks that we all have different schedules and don't have school breaks at the same time, but this is the one time we all can hang out again and I am so excited. Hopefully the cheesecake turns out as delicious as it looks!

Friends, please remember to cherish the time you have with those you love. Especially during the holiday season which is a time to celebrate and come closer with your friends and family. Make every moment count. Even a little get together can become a memory that you will never forget. Even a little shopping trip with your mother can turn into a great girls day you will cherish forever. And even a simple family dinner can create traditions you will one day share with your children. So enjoy the life that God has given you, but never forget the beauty of Heaven that awaits. What we have in this life is nothing compared to the joy we will have in Heaven. So if you are enjoying this life just wait until you see what Heaven has to offer. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.

The Beginning?

Where to begin!?! Where to begin...
I guess I could start by saying why I decided to start this blog in the first place. My heart has been broken and my world crumbled beneath me. Now I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces and I am using this blog to sort through my emotions and maybe help people that understand just what I am going through. Yesterday was the last day of the Christian calendar. So, I see this as my "new year's resolution" according to the Christian calendar and hopefully I can stick to it. I've never been one to keep a diary, but I think the reasons behind this blog are enough motivation for me to keep up with it.

Two months ago my best friend Josh Ose, a Marine, was killed in Afghanistan and that's when my world crumbled. He was my other half, my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else in this world and without him here I just don't know what to do. He was the one person I could tell anything to or ask for advice and I know I would get the truth. He was not afraid to say what was on his mind and I admired him for that. He was so full of life, crazy, and the complete opposite of me. I think that's what made us such great friends. We were so different, but when we were together we were like a super person or something. We decided to start calling each other twins after people kept asking us if we were dating. We hoped that that would help clears things up. The name just kind of stuck and he started telling people that we really were twins. I don't really know how else to describe our friendship other than the way our youth leader put it. She said that I was "Josh's keeper." I understood him and why he did the things he did, and he understood me. Even when he did something crazy and off the wall I always knew why he did it. He was just Josh and that's all the explanation that anyone needed. He was the most amazing person and I just wish that everyone could have gotten to know him because he would have changed your life.

After everything happened, I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head I just couldn't believe anything anyone was telling me. Of course I didn't want to believe it and accept it, but I knew I eventually would. I think that was one of the hardest things of all of this: acceptance. I didn't want to accept the fact that I would see my best friend again, speak to him, hug him, and just do goofy random things with him. You start to realize all the little things you wish you had done or all the things you wish you had said, but it's too late for that. You wish more than anything just to hear his voice again, and you never will. (Thankfully I have a voice mail saved on my phone :) ) There are just so many things that I never thought I would experience in life at such a young age, but as they say, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I have definitely found that this had made me stronger in some ways. I've always been an independent person, but somehow this has made me even more so. I don't really know how to describe it, but I guess it is a little bit of loneliness mixed with confidence. It really is a weird feeling, but I like to think of it as Josh beside me telling me to stay strong and keep living my life, and that has definitely been hard. At first I found myself wanting to do nothing but lay in bed and watch tv. I still have those days but I've realized that Josh wouldn't want me to be like that. Of course he would want me to constantly think of him, but all the happy times and fun memories that we share. Along with the moping, I feel empty and like I don't know where to go from here. I find myself going home from college practically every weekend because I just want to be surrounded by my family and friends that understand what I am going through. I know I can't keep doing this because the gas is going to start getting expensive and I'm not sure how much more my poor little car can handle, but I feel best when I am at home. I believe that when I'm home we can all heal together.

I only hope that through all of this I can find the silver lining. I know that there is good somewhere in what happened but right now I just can't seem to find it. This is my journey of healing and discovering that God, my family, and my friends have joined me on. I know through everything they will always be there and I am never alone because God is always there and will continue to guide me. There is so much more I could add to this first entry and so so much more left to tell you about the week that I lost Josh and the 19 years that I knew him, but I have to leave some for other posts right? :) Anyways, I would just like to thank everyone that has been here for me, my family, Josh's family, and his friends. It means more to us than we could ever explain. The support from the town of Hernando, and even the nation, just gives me chills every time I think about it all. It is just simply amazing the love and support that people have for all the men and women fighting in Afghanistan. It makes me realize that in the midst of this cruel, war-torn world there are more good people than you think.So as we approach Thanksgiving thank everyone who fights for your freedom and all of those who do little random acts of kindness for you that you might be on your mind for a second but then you just continue your day and eventually forget. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.