Memories

This past weekend I bought "A Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis and I'm telling you this book is great! I recommend this book to anyone that wants to grow in their faith, whether you are grieving or not. It definitely makes you think about different things in your life in a new way. This book is the thoughts of Lewis after his wife passed away. They are raw and from the heart. He says exactly what is on his mind and doesn't hold back one bit. I just love that! One passage that stuck out to me reads:

"...Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had thought I was remembering him well-- how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, 'Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that-- or dislike this, or knew so-and-so-- or jerked his head back that way.' I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of H.? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes-- like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night-- little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes-- ten seconds-- of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."

My biggest fear is forgetting Josh and all that he was and all those years full of memories that we shared. My memory is not the best to say the least, so I fear that over time I will have very few memories left, and that scares me more than you know. The other day my mom found a video of Josh on one of our pieces of exercise equipment. We had made a commercial for it and it was hilarious! Did I remember this occasion before my mom found the video? No. But once she told me about it, it all came back to me. That just makes me think, how many other memories like that am I missing? I forget them now, but once I am told them I can remember. However, some of those memories were just between us, so they are gone forever. So, I've decided to keep a journal of memories that I remember, and as I remember more, maybe they can spark another memory back into existence. So for now, I must rely on the memories I have and the pictures of those times.

I also fear that by combining all the memories that I will create an image of Josh that isn't what he truly was. Lewis talks about this in that excerpt as well. I remember things like the way he said my name, his crooked nose, his huge feet, his crazy driving, and the fact that he wasn't scared to question you when he thought you were wrong. All the things I remember create this image of who he was, but without remembering every little detail, that image will never be who he truly was. And like Lewis said, if he was just given ten seconds, he would remember every little detail. But once those ten seconds were up, the snow flakes would fall again and the image distorted. I talked to my counselor about this and she told me that I will always have an image of Josh, and that image will always be who he was to me. I don't have to have every detail to know that he was my best friend or to know how strong our relationship was. I will have a new image of him now, one that will mean more to me than all those little details. Of course I would do anything to have those ten seconds, but then what? Go through this whole thing again and beg for ten more seconds? As time goes on, instead of losing memories, I will gain memories by hearing stories from other people, finding more lost tapes, and just seeing something that makes that little spark. I have to accept that I will never have every memory back, but the ones I do have I remembered for a reason, just like there is a reason my mom found that tape. Josh will always be Josh to me. Just because I don't have him here with me or every little moment we shared doesn't mean that he is any less important to me or that I will think about him any less. I have to be happy with the memories I have, and realize that I will have this new image made up of old memories. It's still the same Josh, just minus a few things. That's is definitely something that is VERY hard to accept, but I'm working on it, slowly but surely. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.