Stuck.

Today I kind of made some sort of progress in my grieving. I finally made the call to speak with a counselor. Although they said they'd call me back and never did, I still mustered up the courage to make the call. I will call again tomorrow and try to set up an appointment. When this first happened, I told myself that I'd start counseling so that I would never get to the point I am now. But my stubborn self thought I could handle it on my own and gave up the idea, telling myself I was too busy and couldn't find the time. That was one of the stupidest things I could have done. I thought I could handle this on my own, but man was I wrong! For the past few months, I have just felt stuck. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. I am living my life day to day, but it's like I don't know where to go from here. I pray every night for God to help me through this and tell me what I should do next. It wasn't until today that I realized He had been giving me the answer all along and I was just too stubborn and blind to see it. Today I was on Facebook and one of my friend's statuses was, "Let Him have all your worries and cares for He is always thinking about and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7" When I read that I realized that all along He had been telling me what I need to do. These past couple of days counseling has been more on my mind as a solution to my feeling "stuck." God has been telling me all along that that will help me feel alive again. And I am so ready to find some sort of normalcy, whatever that means.

This past week has really opened my eyes to how everything is changing me and affecting the people around me. I've become more moody and the littlest things can set me off. Honestly, I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. I've realized that I've pushed people away and hurt some of the friendships I have. I am determined to fix things, but I'm just really impatient so it's going to be quite difficult for me to be patient and know that things can change. I'm going to want them to happen immediately and it's going to take a lot of time to find my "normalcy."

I apologize that this little blog is primarily sad, but hopefully in the weeks ahead I will start to see more happiness in my life and I will be glad to share it with you all. I know I will, and when I do I will have learned so much about myself and how much strength I really have inside of me. It's just the getting there part that going to take time, time that I wish would hurry up. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.