The Beginning?

Where to begin!?! Where to begin...
I guess I could start by saying why I decided to start this blog in the first place. My heart has been broken and my world crumbled beneath me. Now I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces and I am using this blog to sort through my emotions and maybe help people that understand just what I am going through. Yesterday was the last day of the Christian calendar. So, I see this as my "new year's resolution" according to the Christian calendar and hopefully I can stick to it. I've never been one to keep a diary, but I think the reasons behind this blog are enough motivation for me to keep up with it.

Two months ago my best friend Josh Ose, a Marine, was killed in Afghanistan and that's when my world crumbled. He was my other half, my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else in this world and without him here I just don't know what to do. He was the one person I could tell anything to or ask for advice and I know I would get the truth. He was not afraid to say what was on his mind and I admired him for that. He was so full of life, crazy, and the complete opposite of me. I think that's what made us such great friends. We were so different, but when we were together we were like a super person or something. We decided to start calling each other twins after people kept asking us if we were dating. We hoped that that would help clears things up. The name just kind of stuck and he started telling people that we really were twins. I don't really know how else to describe our friendship other than the way our youth leader put it. She said that I was "Josh's keeper." I understood him and why he did the things he did, and he understood me. Even when he did something crazy and off the wall I always knew why he did it. He was just Josh and that's all the explanation that anyone needed. He was the most amazing person and I just wish that everyone could have gotten to know him because he would have changed your life.

After everything happened, I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head I just couldn't believe anything anyone was telling me. Of course I didn't want to believe it and accept it, but I knew I eventually would. I think that was one of the hardest things of all of this: acceptance. I didn't want to accept the fact that I would see my best friend again, speak to him, hug him, and just do goofy random things with him. You start to realize all the little things you wish you had done or all the things you wish you had said, but it's too late for that. You wish more than anything just to hear his voice again, and you never will. (Thankfully I have a voice mail saved on my phone :) ) There are just so many things that I never thought I would experience in life at such a young age, but as they say, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I have definitely found that this had made me stronger in some ways. I've always been an independent person, but somehow this has made me even more so. I don't really know how to describe it, but I guess it is a little bit of loneliness mixed with confidence. It really is a weird feeling, but I like to think of it as Josh beside me telling me to stay strong and keep living my life, and that has definitely been hard. At first I found myself wanting to do nothing but lay in bed and watch tv. I still have those days but I've realized that Josh wouldn't want me to be like that. Of course he would want me to constantly think of him, but all the happy times and fun memories that we share. Along with the moping, I feel empty and like I don't know where to go from here. I find myself going home from college practically every weekend because I just want to be surrounded by my family and friends that understand what I am going through. I know I can't keep doing this because the gas is going to start getting expensive and I'm not sure how much more my poor little car can handle, but I feel best when I am at home. I believe that when I'm home we can all heal together.

I only hope that through all of this I can find the silver lining. I know that there is good somewhere in what happened but right now I just can't seem to find it. This is my journey of healing and discovering that God, my family, and my friends have joined me on. I know through everything they will always be there and I am never alone because God is always there and will continue to guide me. There is so much more I could add to this first entry and so so much more left to tell you about the week that I lost Josh and the 19 years that I knew him, but I have to leave some for other posts right? :) Anyways, I would just like to thank everyone that has been here for me, my family, Josh's family, and his friends. It means more to us than we could ever explain. The support from the town of Hernando, and even the nation, just gives me chills every time I think about it all. It is just simply amazing the love and support that people have for all the men and women fighting in Afghanistan. It makes me realize that in the midst of this cruel, war-torn world there are more good people than you think.So as we approach Thanksgiving thank everyone who fights for your freedom and all of those who do little random acts of kindness for you that you might be on your mind for a second but then you just continue your day and eventually forget. Peace. Love. Semper Fi.